Thursday, October 11, 2012

7 *More* Tips For Success

As I was taking a walk down memory lane, someone approached me from the medulla oblongata region. He asked me what I was doing there. I said that I forgot. He didn't get the joke and chucked me out. That's when I decided to write another brilliant article.

After weeks of extensive research and countless hours of labour, I was still undecided among a, an, and the finally managed to finish it. But my dog ate it. So you'll just have to make do with this instead I painstakingly tried to recreate it from memory, and this is what I managed to end up with.

These are some of the most vital things to keep in mind if you dream of success in any field of your choice. Even if you’re not used to dozing off in the field, they’re still pretty helpful.

1) Higher education

The need for higher studies cannot be over-emphasized. It's really important to get a feel for/understanding of higher education. Make it a point to always study on your terrace. Keep changing buildings and floors, going higher each day. It helps somehow. I guess. Also, try to get a few awards under your belt. The bigger trophies may make your stomach bulge a bit, but that's alright, as long as the belt buckle matches.

Oh, and I almost forgot, multiple degrees look great on your résumé. Not too many though. Less than 90 degrees if you're worried about your skin getting tanned ('coz tan 90 -> infinity).

2) Sleep cycle

You must have come across various self-help books that have told you to adjust your sleep cycle for productivity. But none of them have helped, have they? The reason is that people don't really explain what it is. Sleep cycle is defined as the cycle that you ride when you're asleep, duh. (See also- awake cycle) Now, how do you adjust it? Simple, just follow the following 3 easy-to-remember steps—

Step one - Make sure the wheels don't squeak.

Uh, that's all I can remember for now. (*yawn*) Too sleepy to think.

3) Grooming

You may have noticed that a well groomed person is well groomed. But how? You might think that it's due to his sharp haircut. Or the smooth hair gel he uses. Wrong. It's his beard. If you want to be anything like him, you must grow a beard asap. And then shave it. Why, you ask? Because it's in the four commandments of life—

i) Thou shalt not questioneth any of the commandments.

ii) Thou shalt not asketh what happened to the 3rd commandment-eth.

iv) Thou shalt shaveth your beard.

See? Told ya.

(Note- If you're a girl, then I understand that it may not be practical to do this. In that case, follow only the 4th commandment)

4) Value your values

No matter what level of success you reach, you should never forget your roots. Or branches and leaves, for that matter. Anyway, do not forget to place high importance to virtues and values that shaped your very being. Integrity, honesty, generosity, and electricity, among others. You might have faked faced many hardships along the way. Never forget what your struggle to the top was like. Try to give back to the society whenever you get the opportunity to. Sometimes it's easy to get carried away, though, like so—

1st person - "Hey, you know that guy? Very nice person. He donated one of his kidneys to me!"

2nd person - "That's cool, man! He donated one of his kidneys to me, too!"

5) Punctuality

//TODO: Finish this before publish date.

6) Don't take advice

Free advice? Plenty. Gullible fools just like you? Plenty-er. When someone gives you some advice, it's easy to get persuaded and mindlessly start following it. But have you ever stopped to think for yourself? Ok, maybe you did it now, but that's only because I told you to. If you want success, then don't take any advice from others. It makes you a blind follower of their ideologies, which will, in all probability, be wrong.

Consider this one, for example. If you took the advice, then you're not following it (you were not supposed to take advice in the first place). So what do you do? Don't take it, of course. But now if you don't take it, you're following the advice, and therefore taking it. See the gaping flaw in the theory? Exactly.

So that's why, take my advice— don't take it.

8) Socialize

Once you're in the high society, you need to juggle work and play very often. Over time, this can be very hectic as well as tiring. The trick to managing things effectively is to selectively do some of the work. Try to save energy. Use CFLs instead. Some people may be allergic to chloro-fluoro-carbon bonds. But that's ok, as there are no such bonds in it anyway.

Do note, however, that the ones who really move ahead in life, are the ones who know the right kind of people. Having contacts is really, really important. But do keep an expensive brand of spectacles handy just in case.

9) Team management

With great power comes great current squared times resistance. You need to handle more responsibilities, manage a bigger team, do the dishes, etc. So try to ensure that the team is up to the mark. An important aspect involved in the process of team-management is building character with the help of games.

One of the games used to teach trust involves trekking to the top of a mountain and then sky-diving off the plane without a parachute, hoping that your teammate will catch you using only a bowl of noodles. Or a chopstick. Another variation of the same game is to try it with your hands and legs tied to an anvil, while your teammate attempts to play blind-folded.

A great game to play with your in-laws, your dog or your neighbour’s dog’s in-laws.

(Actually, you don't need to do this much work, either. If you look carefully, you'll find a shortcut to success nearly everywhere. Double click to open any one of them. You should instantly become successful)

[For the original 7 tips for success, click here]


  1. For point no. 6, Listen to all advice, consider everything and act upon what makes sense. Don't take advice is akin to "don't listen to others"

  2. I have now started growing a beard and am also undergoing daily dialysis due to the lack of kidneys.

  3. This comment has been removed by the author.