Tweetzilla

(Continued from Tales From The Yeast. First post in series- On Electricity)

Harry hit the wall so hard, it had a strange effect on his brain. He started saying illogical things that were incoherent and out of place speaking like a retard. It was not entirely obvious at first, but it didn't take long for Ron and Hermione to put two and two make a tutu.

"Are you alright?", asked Hermione, now wearing said tutu.

"Who names their phoenix Fawkes?", replied Harry.

"Erm. I guess that's a yes. Why did you run into the wall anyway?", asked Ron.

"Your mom told me to I thought he was Wall-Demort. (Teehee)", Harry tittered.

"Riiight. Well, anyway, we lost the IP that we were tracking. What do we do now?", said Ron.

"Purple?", Harry replied, half-confidently.

"I think something must've happened to him. He's acting strange. It's upto the two of us now. What do you suggest?", mumbled a frustrated Hermione.

"He's gone bonkers, really. But seriously, who does name their phoenix Fawkes?", Ron asked with a perplexed look.

"Focus!", Hermione shot out.

"Hmm. This Focus guy must be quite the retard then", Ron averred.

"Arrgh. You're of no use either. Why do -- Wait. We're in the matrix, right? And it's a perfect square (2x2). So we should be using its adjoint! Of course! What's Diagon Alley diagonally opposite to the station?", inquired Hermione, as her face suddenly lit up.

"The ice-cream parlor?", said a doubtful Ron.

"Exactly!", shrieked Hermione, switching off the light on her face, "That's what the IP was -- Ice-cream Parlor! Hurry, we must rush to it now! That's where the hacker is"

Ron, not really in the mood to question her extremely bizarre logic, wearily followed Hermione to the ice-cream place. Upon entering the place, they were greeted by the essence of some sort of a caramel-butterscotch blend. As they glanced around, they spotted him almost immediately -- huddled in the corner, packing up his laptop and finishing off the last bit of his ice cream -- the Death Eater.

"Where do you think you're going?", Ron huffed, blocking his path.

"Why should it concern you?", the man questioned, flustered.

"Aren't you the guy who just hacked into the Matrix?", Hermione said, her eyebrows a little askew.

"M-Me? No. I'm Sthar'Ur. I was j-just updating my Twitter", he stuttered, incorrectly.

"Oh, so it's your Twitter now, is it? Well then, what's your latest scoop?", said Ron, always pretty random with his puns. At the same time, he kept thinking to himself what the deal with all the weird names was.

The man reluctantly showed them his Twitter feed.
 
This is what his last tweet looked like:


...and ate it, too.

Just as Ron was about to let him go, Hermione noticed the second-last tweet in his feed:

..and while you're at it...make me a sandwitch

After much interrogation, the man revealed that he had never been contacted by Voldemort before that, and was completely surprised to see the tweet himself. Ron and Hermione then conducted a cross-reference analysis, until they stumbled upon this:



FAIL.



"So then this guy's story checks out", Ron surmised.

"Pretty much. The other thing is that Voldemort still uses the old T8 dictionary. That's why he mistyped Sugar_87 as Sthar'ur" revealed Hermione, showing Ron her T8-to-T9 converter.

Just as they started their attempt to search for Sugar_87, everything began to dissolve. The walls and the people seem to fade into a blur, and suddenly they found themselves in some sort of a lab.

"Hey, what happened?", gasped Squidward.

"Uhrhh?", is all that Spongebob managed to utter.

Their questions were answered when they finally came to, and heard a lady's crisp voice incessantly echoing -- "SIMULATION TERMINATED. SELF-DESTRUCT SEQUENCE LAUNCHED"

"Oh, no! Patrick! What did you do? We were *this* close to catching the real hacker", Squidward said.

"Well, since I was of no use, I just started photocopying all my shoes in case somebody ever stole them", Patrick replied.

"Habakawa-what? How is that even--? Are you out of your--? Ah, forget it", Squidward gave up.

"Hmm. If he's not the one responsible for this, then wh--?"

Spongebob was interrupted by a loud crashing sound that reverberated through the lab. And then a thud. Then the ground started to tremble as well.

"Oh no! I think it's got something to do with that huge creature outside. What do we do now?', said Spongebob, panicking.

What IS that thing, you ask? Well, I suppose that would require a...

[Flashback]

"I guess the red pill seems safe", said one of the bacteria, and took it from Voldemort's proffered hand. Little did he realise that he had been tricked, and he slowly transformed into a ginormous dinosaur.

But Voldemort soon had to pay for his sins in full, as the bacteria's pseudopodia seemed to have a deleterious effect on him, and suddenly made him very frail. He could sense that he was dying.

So one of his henchmen tried to inform his family of the emergency, but he ran out of balance, and had already exceeded his quota of 100 messages for that day, so he proceeded to the nearest pre-paid shop, recharged his phone, made the call, and directly told them that Voldemort was dead.

Seizing the opportunity, Pikachu grabbed the blue pill and quickly ingested it. As his body assimilated it, he turned into one of the worst beasts ever to set foot on the planet -- Man.

While this was happening, the dinosaur (let's call him Rudy) was ravaging the city. He chanced upon the lab which our trio of heroes were in, and began to attack mindlessly.

Pikachu, on the other hand realised that the dinosaur was up to no good.  So he soon formulated some sort of advanced chemical, called the Buckyball (Buck, for short) and hurled it directly at Rudy.

This triggered some sort of a fierce reaction, that generated a HUGE amount of heat, and thus generated a lot of infrared waves. But it was so hot, that due to thermal expansion, their wavelength increased and they turned red.

And that's why the entire planet was soon rendered lifeless, and completely red. This incident kind of marred the situation a bit, and that's why the planet is now called 'Mars'.

the end

[Update: Thanks to Tejus and Mohit for their help with the plot!]

Tales From The Yeast

(Continued from Genesis. First post in series- On Electricity)

As Ovi and Mushy slowly got accustomed to life underwater, they decided that it was time to start a family. They soon had a baby boy, and they named him Pikachu (don't ask). They had other kids, too, who were named Spongebob, Patrick and Squidward (their life was soon made into a TV show). But Pikachu was the most mischievous of the lot. Like the other day, when he put the bathtub in the freezer, making a gigantic ice-cube, and then sliced off a huge chunk using his brother's hacksaw blade, shaped it using a lathe machine, and released it to the surface, where a ship accidentally hit the 'iceberg' and then sank to the bottom. (It's called the Titanic or something, I'll look it up later)

In those days, people were highly superstitious. As the Dark Ages began, people thought that it was some Black Magic, and began to get scared. But one wise man soon told them that it was just another major oil spill by the good folks over at BP. In any case, the conditions had become inhabitable (not to mention Pikachu was still randomly electrocuting people in the water once in a while 'by mistake') So Ovi and Mushy made a decision to travel East, chiefly because they'd heard of the rich cultural heritage of that region.

As they swam to the surface, they saw an old witch sitting with a few occult paraphernalia. Before their eyes could adjust to the sun, the witch spoke shrilly.

"I know why you have come here. And I also know the solution to your problem. I have with me two pills, (now also available as vials) of different potions. Take the blue pill, and you will feel anew, entering into a world like never before. Take the red pill, and your old world will be restored, like nothing happened. The choice is yours."

As they were pondering upon which form of medication to take, one of them had a genuine doubt.

"That's okay, but who are you?", he inquired sincerely.

"Me? I am Lord Voldemort", he thundered. And lightninged.

Which witch which was weird for 2 reasons.

Firstly, if Voldemort was a witch, then she should have been Queen Voldemort or something. But if he was Lord Voldemort, then he should have been a wizard. But even if he were one, he wouldn't be very good at it. And why is that, you ask? That's simply because (and this is the second point) --

Voldemort was a moron.

Yes, there are many reason as to why he turned evil, but he was still a moronic Dark Lord (there, I inadvertently put rest to his doubtful gender). Well, to begin with, his childhood was riddled with negativity. He used to fail miserably at pretty much everything he did. Especially spelling. Heck, he couldn't even spell his own name right. (see also - Tom Marvolo Riddle)

Then he saw all these people around him performing miraculous spells, and he really wanted to try it too. So on his eleventh birthday, his mother got him the gift he'd always dreamed of -- P. C. Sorcar's 101 Magic Tricks (Now with 3 new tricks!)

He practised religiously for months, and finally mustered enough courage to perform his first magic show in public. His first trick was the classic (he himself tried to do it) 'pull the rabbit out of the hat' trick. He took out his hat, wand at the ready, and nervously uttered the magic words --

[baby voice] "Abba-kadabby"
Nothing happened. So he tried again.

"Abbra-kabaddi"
The rabbit, still inside the hat, took it as an insult and refused to come out.

"Aadha-kadabra"
By now the rabbit was really annoyed. He came out, slapped him, and went back in. (Or maybe he used "Doofus Slap-acus". I'm really not too sure)

"Avada-kedavra"
This was too much for the rabbit, who committed suicide.

But everyone thought that the magic trick was intended to kill the rabbit, so they were under the impression that Voldemort had just invented the Killing Curse. Eventually he became so famous for it, that people urged him to take part in the annual May-Tricks event. On the day he decided to give in, his life took an abrupt turn. For, on that very day, the administrators of the event discovered something shocking.

[Somewhere in the 2x2 Matrix]

"Someone has hacked into the Matrix!", Ron exclaimed.

"I know! Mutating algorithms, Brute force, Chanel-5 force, nothing seems to be working. I think he has used some advanced sorting technique", Hermione shuddered.

"I really dunno what we can do. We need someone to help us. But who?", Harry wondered.

Just as he finished his sentence, Fox the faux Fawkes (who was actually a phoenix) swooped in (sporting coolers and a bandana) and dropped a ragged black object.

"The Sorting Hat! The only known sorting algorithm in O(1)!", Hermione screamed in joy, using the Hat to sort out the mess. "Now all we have to do is crack the password. It seems to have been encrypted with RSA or something." But that didn't prove to be much of a hurdle as she successfully managed to unlock it using ALoHoMoRa v1.3.

They tried to track the IP of the intruder, and soon traced it back to a laptop somewhere in the London station.

"He is planning to leave the city by train. We have to catch him before he escapes!", moaned a concerned Hermione.

"But there are 39 platforms, and only 4 of us. How can we possibly find him by ourselves?", Ron asked, puzzled.

"That's ok. We'll split up. Each of you take one-fourth of the platforms and begin searching", said Harry, in a decisive tone.

So each one was allotted 39/4 platforms. Or 9 and 3/4 in mixed fraction form. Harry saw that there was a wall in the middle of platforms 9 and 10. So he began sprinting towards it. As he approached the wall at high speed, instead of smashing directly into it, something magical happened--

He smashed directly into it.

He fell down, still reeling from the sharp pain in his head. He felt his forehead and sensed that it had started bleeding. So he started crying copiously at his boo-boo. At the same time, Fox the faux Fawkes (who was actually a phoenix) swooped in and started crying too, the tears falling on Harry's cut. And the wound started healing due to its healing powers. But because he was a fake phoenix, the wound didn't heal properly, and left a lightning-shaped scar.

While this scene was unfolding, somewhere in a remote ice-cream parlour, there was a hooded figure eating a Death By Chocolate. What was this Death-Eater plotting? What could Harry and the others do now? Stay tuned, as the saga continues...

[Actually, I'm all out of ideas and have no clue on how to take this story further. Please post your ideas (no matter how wacky or crazy) and I will try to incorporate all of them and carry this forward along those lines (AND give you due credit, too. Yay!)]

(Oh, and a big thank you to Tejus and Kanan, whose blogs have given me a ton of inspiration for my posts. Do check their's out as well, they're both better than mine :O)

Update: Click here to read the next post!

Genesis

As I mentioned in another post (link), when the world was still in nascency, a large galactic war was fought. But the war slowly subsided, and a sort of passive calm took over the inhabitants of the Universe (which, by the way, is supposedly the poem to read). So anyway, there was a limited set of options for those who wanted to de-stress in space. The first one was listening to music. And the second, drinking. So as you'd have deduced by now, concerts were the ideal place to hang out -- given that you could do both.

But on one fateful day, flush in the middle of a spacey groove, the robe of the singer got entangled in the microphone. He quickly tried to undo his mistake, but it was too late. He had done the unthinkable -- he gave birth to mic-robes. Tiny organisms that were virtually undetectable, and thus scampered away playfully. These microbes caused the great financial slump, causing many people to lose jobs in the process. Eventually all jobs were taken over by the microbes. They started being called staph members.

Due to the catastrophical outcome of that day, all concerts were banned indefinitely. So all the cool bacteria now had a new favorite place to hang out - the 'Space Bar'. It was a queer place in every sense of the word. (And I mean every sense. Oh, except that one) It attracted customers from far and wide and tall and deep. More pertinently, though, the world changed when a lonesome mushroom decided to venture into the sacred land of the bacteria. As he parked his spaceship (the NUM-3000, or Nitric Unaldehyde Moped) on the NUM-pad with utmost dexterity, he was met with disgruntled glares all around. He silently plodded his way towards a sign that said 'Enter', accompanied by an L-shaped arrow that pointed downwards and to the left.

So he took the elevator and went to the floor immediately below. As he took a right (his right is your left, stupid) he felt both awe-struck and let down at what he saw. The place was filled with some of the coolest celebrities (including Joe Bacteriani, lead guitarist and frontman of the band Yo!Gurt). And it was resplendent with neon lights and holographic displays. But something was missing -- Happiness.

Nah, she was actually sitting on the far right corner, with her husband Loch-ness.

So anyway, he proceeded to the bartender, and ordered a Buck RD. Through the corner of his eye, he noticed 3 bacteria sitting on the table, and began to get a little agitated. His concern could slimly be ascribed to the fact that bacteria were physically more intimidating than fungi. They approached him and decided to rough him up a bit, just for laughs.

(This is the conversation that ensued)

One of the bacteria - Hey, Twinkie. My name is Rod. And these are my friends Spiro and Ovi. (ref)

Him - Erm. Hi. My name is Mushy.

Rod - Mushy? What a wimpy name. Your mommy give that to you? (nudges Spiro and sniggers)

Mushy - (eyes cast down) Uh...

Spiro - Aww. Too bad. Mushy felt offended. You know what? I think he's a good guy. (in a mocking voice) Whooza gud mushy? Whooza gud mushy-wushy?

Rod - Hahahaha.

Ovi - (visibly upset) Oh, leave the poor boy alone. He didn't do anything to you.

Rod - Well, whaddaya know? Our little girl Ovi has a soft spot for the even more wittle Mushy-Wushy.

(Mushy to himself - Ovi is a chick?? )

Rod - Go on then..why don't you two run along and get married and make babies if you like each other so much. (winks)

Spiro - Yeah..and maybe you can play with your nanobots or something. Seeing as you are the fun-guy and what not. No, wait. That's Megatron for you, right? (high-fives Rod)

Rod - Hahahaha. Good one.

Ovi - Hmph. Fine. You know what? I will. [takes hold of Mushy's arm] Let's go, Mushy. And leave these two numbskulls to themselves.

Spiro - But we don't even have skulls! That just shows how stupid you are, dimwit!

(Rod and Spiro are seen laughing boisterously while Ovi and Mushy make their way towards the read end of the bar, nick-named the BackSpace. Mushy is dumbfounded, and is visibly deep in thought. But his thoughts can roughly be approximated to -- "Ovi is a chick??")

As the two got to know more about each other, they began to fall in love. But the place was much too hostile for a bacteria and a fungus to commingle. So they decided to leave for Earth. (coz its the only planet that's known to be capable of sustaining life, duh)

But it wasn't easy, as the other bacteria vehemently opposed this, and Mushy had the Herculean task of outrunning his pursuers.

Nope, he didn't.

He was in a spaceship, remember? So, technically, he had to outsail them. Ha.

Now, Mushy happened to be a genius. Prophetic, more like. For he knew that this day would come. And he quickly converted his moped into a submarine, which gave him more traction control.

(Why a submarine in space, you ask? It's simple. He had to gain speed. Which means he had to reduce drag. And how do you reduce drag? By sub-traction, of course. Do I have to explain everything??)

They soon managed to outfly outsail everyone, and after a long journey in the sub-space (Get it?), they managed to enter the Earth's atmosphere. As they quickly gained momentum (and weight), they could feel that the Force was getting stronger. (Force α Rate of change of momentum. Newton's Second Frickin' Law, man)

So they used the Force to control objects through Telekinesis. To ensure a safe landing, Mushy rotated the Earth a bit so as to correctly align the water bodies. (Due to some residual Force, the Earth is rotating till today). They splashed on the water surface, but continued to plunge until they reached the bottom. As they alighted upon the ocean floor, Ovi & Mushy became the first inhabitants of Earth. So they celebrated with a little bonfire, and they roasted marshmallows, too.

(Note - I'm getting tired of typing Ovi & Mushy all the time. So I'm just gonna shorten it to 'OM'. Oh btw, some people believe that OM was the first sound that resonated throughout the Universe during its inception. But now you know what it really stands for)

..and they lived happily ever after.

(Actually, they didn't. They were forced to travel Yeast East. What unforetold dangers awaited them there? Wait for the next post to find out. You know you want to...)

Update: Click here for the sequel.

On Electricity

In the very beginning, the Earth was a great ball of fire. It used to be very hot back in the days. So nearly all inhabitants used to go to the beach. Then one day, the Earth got frustrated of the routine and wanted out. Although it used to relax by listening to music or by taking a walk, it just got too passé, and downright annoying.

So it decided to chill out. Literally. The Earth's temperature kept dropping till it approached room temperature. But there were very few rooms in those days, so the concept of room temperature was hazy at best. In effect, the temperatures were actually lower than you'd expect. As the temperature approached 0 ºC, the Earth tried to stop cooling further. But due to inertia (yes, Newton's First Law), the temperature kept dropping much below that. This extra cooling had some adverse effects. For example, it led to a war between USA and the Soviet Union, better known today as the Cold War.

Somewhere in the caves, there lived a wise sage. (All sages in history were wise, apparently). So, anyway, this sage predicted this phenomenon, thousands of years after it actually occurred. And people believed that he was great. Even though his predictions should have logically been before things occurred. But no-one ever noticed. He released his predictions in electronic versions. The most important one being about the climate, pompously called the iSage. (Some people mis-spell this till today). And everyone bought newer versions of it even if they were heavily flawed.

One fine day, people realised that our wise sage (let's call him Steve), was only fooling them. They started to question the very fundamental facts based on which other theories were formed. The most important one being -- why do people keep buying iSage? So in all the commotion, one of the people decided to catch everyone's attention. He did this by striking a gong with a stick, thereby creating a loud sound. Today, we know this incident as the Big Bang.

There have been certain controversies surrounding the Big Bang. So I have created this self-explanatory combo-image to help clear the confusion --

(The Big Bang)

See? Good. Now that I've cleared that up, let's continue. So, anyway, one of the people at the scene had brought a cat. The cat got terrified by the sound and jumped up in fear, knocking down its bowl of milk in the process. The owner of the cat was about to feel bad for it, but at the same moment remembered that there was no point crying over spilt milk. So she didn't.

Seeing this, all the Gods were pleased. Even time stood still for a moment. (Normally, Newtonian laws of motion would apply, and time would slow down before coming to a halt. But there was no inertia at that time. Because Newton wasn't born yet. Jeez. Try to keep up.)

As time continued to remain in standing position, said milk was still suspended in the air. And the shape that it formed kind of looked like it was leading to somewhere. So people started calling it the Milky Way.

By now the other planets also got to hear about what was happening on Earth (courtesy- WikiLeaks), and so they all started coming near it, but there was this spoilt son of a rich dad (let's call him Sun), who told everyone to back-off, and stay a few light-years away. Now, at that time, the SI unit system was still under development, so everyone had a different value of 'light-year' in their scientific calculators (later on, this was rectified by Cosmologically Adjusted Singularities & Interplanetary Obfuscations, CASIO for short).

Tired of the lack of organisation in all their affairs, they decided to form a set of rules. They thought about it for a few months, and soon came up with a system that consisted that consisted of sixteen R's. (Ruthlessness, Rice-cakes, Ramifications, something like that). But instead of calling it 16R's, they decided it would be more punk (Punk music was all the rage in those days) to name it in a foreign language. They chose Hindi for its awesomeness, and finally agreed upon the sollah-R system (yet another mis-spelled term till date).

But some people were against the idea of using a non-standard language to define a set of standards as it kinda defeated the purpose a bit. So a few groups were formed that tried to oppose this. This battle slowly escalated into a full-scale inter-galactic war. People formed three major factions based on their purpose for entering the war. There were those who wanted to live (as opposed to die, so seems logical). Another group were neutral to the war, mainly coz they were wimps. And the third, more aggressive faction, consisted of those who had a hormonal imbalance due to a Large Hadron Collider-esque experiment gone wrong, which caused weird genetic mutations. So they all had some kind of ear-like things sticking out of their bodies. They were nicknamed ear-things.

The war lasted for several eons, but no one truly gained the upper hand, so they all had to remain content with the lower one. Eventually, they realised that this was only causing pointless deaths, and decided to call a truce. But someone decided that the least we can do is pay tribute to these brave warriors. And that is why we have live, neutral and earthing in all our wirings even today.

(PS- I might have missed out some minor details about how dinosaurs evolved from bacteria, and human beings evolved from Pikachu, but I'll save it for another post).

[Update- Although vastly unplanned, that post has been published. Click here to read]