Pun Unintended

There are people who are simply obsessed with puns. Real lame ones, at that. Annoying at times, but we all love a good pun. Write?

So here's some instances of me in conversation with professionals in various fields. I was running short on time so mentioned only a few. In the meantime, feel free to add your own in the comments section. (Optional- vote for your favorite ones)

1) Lead Guitarist

(at a shopping mall)

LG - I can't decide which one to buy.
Me - They're both good. Pick any. *grins*

LG - Er..right. I was thinking I'll decide based on which color suits me better. What do you think?
Me - The black. Makes you look sharp. (Hehe)

LG - Will you stop? Please be serious for a minute.
Me - Oh, a little high-strung today, are we?

LG - Now you're overdoing it.
Me - Oh, don't be so picky.

LG - Ok, that was lame.
Me - I know. Not to blow my trumpet or anything, but I'm normally better.

LG - But equally stupid, nonetheless.
Me - I'd pitch in with a suggestion, but now I've lost the mood.

LG - Maybe people would consider you seriously if you were serious once in a while.
Me - I'll make a note of that. *sniggers*

LG - Dude, stop. NOW.
Me - Fine, no matter what I say, my words fall flat anyways.

LG - You are the most annoying person I've met.
Me - On what bass-is do you say that? I'm actually a very warm and chord-ial person.

LG - Now you're REALLY starting to piss me off.
Me - Now, now. Don't fret.

LG - ARRGH...

2) Cricketer

(at a bar)

C - Dude, see that girl in red? Boy, is she hot. I want to ask her out. But I think I'll screw it up.
Me - Oh, so you got bowled over by that maiden, eh? (Sorry for the trite remark. I just had to get it out of my system)

C - Well, so to speak. What do I do?
Me - Dude, you're the playa. Go for it. I'll field for you if something goes wrong.

C - But how do I start? What do I talk about?
Me - I dunno. Pick anything vague. Like comic books. See what super-hero she likes. Steer the conversation from there. Maybe she'll talk about Bat-man. (*sneers*) Then show off your batting skills or something.

C - But what if she doesn't like comics? I need to have a backup.
Me - Mm...maybe you can talk about music. Or crack the joke about how you once got drunk and managed to sing at such a 'high' pitch.

C - *gives the how-dumb-do-you-think-i-am look*
Me - Ok, that was a very silly point to make. But dude, she's got fine legs. Don't miss this opportunity.

C - I know, but I'm not going without preparation.
Me - Maybe you could play some fun games with her. Spin the bottle or something.

(This is when I recall that he happens to be a half-decent cook)

Me - Or tell about how awesome a chef you are. Cook up some story. But don't get too saucy. (For someone like me, this was the equivalent of a burst-fire from an M14. Or a 550D)

C - That's like duh.
Me - (on second thoughts) But there's a catch.

C - What?
Me - It could swing either way. Be a little prudent.

C - Yeah, yeah. I know.
Me - I'm thinking I'll stay here. You know, just in case. Plus, there's no need for a third man anyway.

(By now our friend had 'mustard' enough courage)

C - Yeah, I was thinking the same, too. Let's see how it goes. Wish me luck!
Me - Go for it!

(I watch as he diligently obeys my advice)

C - (To girl) Hi, I'm C. (gives brief intro) Do you like comics?
G - Yes, I do! My favorite super-hero is Flash!

C - Cool! Me too! Wait, I'll show you.

(At this point, the bouncer had to step in and take him away. Oh, the irony)

3) Banker

(by the river)

Me - You know, the concept of life has always interest-ed me.
B - Yeah, sometimes I begin to wonder about its intricacies, too.

Me - If you can truly appreciate the tiny things in life, it's really simple, actually.
B - No. I would disagree with you on that one. Nothing can be simplified without compromising the bigger picture.

Me - Life always hangs in the balance. When we begin to question it, I think we make the picture bigger, and disturb it.
B - Actually, the picture was always big. You just never looked.

(By now, B is visibly annoyed)

Me - At this rate, we'll get nowhere. We are both saying the same stuff in circles.
B - Sit alone and contemplate someday. You'll understand what I mean.

Me - I feel loan-ly at times, too. Reminds me -- remember that girl I was talking about the other day?
B - Which one?

Me - The one who lives in the same compound as me. But there's no chemistry. Can you say why? (Double-damage)
B - You know the answer. It lies in what you just said. Look for it and you'll find it. Did she reply to your message?

Me - Wait, lemme cheque. *winks*
B - (infuriated) Oh, shut up.

Me - Ok. You're not in the mood. How about I tell you a joke?
B - How about you don't?

Me - Ok, how did the gummy bears rob the bank, even though they faced a lot of unexpected problems?
B - I dunno. How?

Me - They stuck to the plan. LOL.
B - Jeez. That was lame. Even by your standards.

Me - Well, atleast I cheered you up a bit. You've gotta give me credit for that.
B - Sure.

Me - OMG. I just realised. We are sitting on the bank of the river. Hahahaha.
B - ARRGH...

4) Programmer

(walking on the streets)

Me - Did you close the windows before leaving?
P - Very funny.

Me - Hey! I was serious. Anyways, I compiled a list of jokes just so that you don't get bored.
P - (sarcastically) How can I resist?

Me - What do you call an Indian who likes puns and works for an e-commerce website?
P - Gee. I dunno. 'Sid'?

Me - No. A pun-job-e!
P - Gosh. How creative.

Me - Wait, it gets better. How does Steve Jobs' cat confess to ripping the sofa?
P - Meow?

Me - No. It says- iPaw'd. Get it? iPod? Pawed.
P - Yeah, I get it. Just wasn't funny enough.

Me - Ok this one is MADE for you. How does a humor-blogger format his posts?
P - That's easy. A WYSIWYG editor.

Me - Nah. Using pun-ctuation marks. Haha.
P - Is this the part where I jump off a cliff?

Me - No no. Wait. Maybe you'll like this one. How did the mouse outwit the cat?
P - Is this some kind of tech-thing? Ok I say he used a Mac.

Me - Wrong. He thought of a plan. He kept thinking, and then it finally clicked. LOL.
P - Ok, pretty innovative...NOT!

Me - Ok why didn't my (kannadiga) friend let me use his numpad?
P - Who in their right mind would let you?

Me - Everyone, that's who. But this guy said -- "Nin talle. It's 'num-pad'. Not 'nim-pad'" Hahahaha.
P - I don't get it.

Me - You don't have to. Most of my other readers will. Ok this is totally your level -- In a courtroom, the defendant's lawyer says- "The murder was done with class". To which the other guy says- "I object, your honour"

P - Lame.
Me - That's not even the best part. The judge then gives the murderer a death penalty, and then says- "Oops". ROFL.

P - That doesn't even make any sense.
Me - Ok wait. This guy is standing in a queue, quite listlessly. The man in front says- "Life is like a stack. Don't push it." LMAO.

P - Ok smarty-pants, tell me this -- If life is really an abstract virtual stack. Shouldn't everything be reduced to boolean?
Me - (*smirks*) True.

P - ARRGH..