The Dark Night

Sorry for the hiatus. Was a li'l busy giving away autographed copies of my best-seller *still* looking for my underwear. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I managed to misplace them in a freak accident. All my attempts at locating them were pretty much futile until two days ago. But ever since then, some really strange things seem to be happening.

It all began on a dark and stormy night (apparently nights can be bright, too). Clouds floated ominously. Thunder crackled thunderously. And normally, it would be accompanied by lightning, but on this particular night, it was not free. (Plus, it was a dark and stormy night, remember? Jeez.)

There was something very eerie about the night. I was trying to read a book but the creepiness of the atmosphere had an unsettling effect. Suddenly, the sound of wood creaking pierced the hallway. I quickly turned to look back. The door was now ajar.

"That's strange," I thought, "how did the door become a jar?"

My contemplations were interrupted shortly by what seemed to be a shadowy figure standing in the pathway leading up to my house. Barely visible against the moonlit lawn, I strained my eyes to get a closer look. Before I could discern what it was, the doorbell rang.

I slowly approached the door, and my fingers trembled as I turned the knob that controlled the volume of my music player.

Then, I opened the door by unlatching it.

It took my eyes a few moments to take in what I saw.

I was in the kitchen now. I quickly realised that this was the wrong door, and proceeded to open the front door. There was someone standing on the porch. It was me. There was also someone standing about a foot away from where I stood. I beckoned her to come in.

So what happened was that some chick had randomly come over. She was holding my hand in her package. She was holding her package in my hand. She was holding my package in her hand. She seemed vaguely familiar, and yet, I didn't seem to know her at all.

I was like, "Do I know you?"

And she was like, Penelope Cruz. More like Scarlett Johansson, maybe. But I digress.

She said, "Maybe this will ring a bell." And then she pressed a button on the wall which did, indeed, ring the bell. She then handed me the package, and re-united me with my long lost inner-wear.

I was so overjoyed by this development that I felt I should make it up to her for taking the trouble to come all the way in the rain just for this. I offered to prepare some tea, but she preferred a hot cup of coffee. I said that it wouldn't possible as all my cups were made of ceramic. I'm not funny. I know.

Moving on, she was really curious when she saw my music player and began fiddling with the controls a bit. We ended up making small-talk largely pertaining to music, among other things.

Turns out she's a pretty talented Carnatic singer. Now, I had no clue what that meant, so I did what any normal person would do-- I asked.

"Hmm, so is that like a thing that you do in the car?"

"What? No, it's a form in Indian classical music."

"Oh, like the whole tribal rain dance thing?"

"No, you dumbass. Indian as in people from India, the country."

"Oh, so it's like country music then?"

"Umm, it's more like folk"

"Fork? Oh that reminds me, those cookies you're eating are poopsicle flavored. And no, that's not a spelling mistake."

She spat a mouthful of coffee on my face, and left.

I have no clue why.

Hoping to figure it out, I tried looking up stuff about music in general on the Internet. As I was surfing through Wikipedia, I was shocked to realise that although music speaks to people, it's not always telling the truth. More specifically, not all sarangis are honest--

 A lying sarangi

I know, I was devastated, too. As I delved deeper into the depths of the paedo 'pedia, I realised that a lot of things in the world aren't what they seem.

For example, inflammable is flammable.

A craps table is not a place where you can defecate. (Now they tell me)

And a blackjacking is *definitely* not what you think it is.

Wow...who knew?

How to Lose Friends and Annoy People

(Disclaimer- This may be my worst post till date. But I figured that after reading this, all other posts will seem like gems, so I'm leaving it as it is :D)

(Disclaimer 2- Mutual fund investments are subject to market risks. Please read the offer document carefully before investing)

(Disclaimer 3- The author does not know what the word 'disclaimer' means)

April Fool's. Hmm. Quite frankly, I've never really understood the concept. So this time around, I decided that to investigate what all the fuss was about. Turns out, it's not as easy as pulling off a prank on someone you know. It requires planning, timing, as well as factoring in unforeseen elements.

It was depressing to see how everyone wanted to try it but no one seemed to know how. So I thought I'll post the results of my analysis, as well as add in a few handy tips which you can use for best results, so that others don't get to know that you're a moron.

You're welcome.

Now, before all of you storm to torch my house with your pitchforks and knives, let me tell you that I'm not late. In fact, I'm writing this post about 11 months in advance. Ha.

(*Breaks into hysterical sobs*)

Ok, I'll admit it. I'm about a month overdue. But that's only because I've had a pretty stressful thirty days. My girlfriend dumped me. I burnt the noodles. In the fridge. And now even my dog hates me. I'm a loser. I'm going to die a very slow and painful death.

...Ram said to Shyam.

Now that one sucks. In fact, it's not even a prank. [But is a useful way to annoy people nonetheless- Just append 'Ram said to Shyam' at the end of any statement]. So that's tip #1 for you. Don't try clichés. Ever. And don't think that you can tell a joke and pass it off as prank. It doesn't qualify. You can try dirty jokes, though, *if* the occasion seems appropriate (and only if you really have to). But remember, no clichés.

(If you don't like dirty jokes, skip the next line)

A white horse fell into the mud.

.

See the point I made right there? No, the other one. Yeah, good.

Getting back, what did happen, though, was that my dog pee'd on the couch, and my girlfriend chewed up her leash. Or maybe it was the other way around. I forget.

Anyway, it was a long story, so I'm not going to narrate the entire thing, but I will point out that it involved a sandwich, 6 beers, 2 girls 1 cup, 17 gloves and lip balm. (And that's when the aliens started shooting and we used our plasma torches and all that blah but you wouldn't want to hear about the boring stuff, so I edited it out. You're welcome. Again)

When I tried to tell this story with a few 'fabricated' facts to a few friends with the intention of fooling them, I realised that it greatly vexed them to listen to it in its entirety. Almost to the point where I had to untie their hands and feet before I could finish telling the story. But I didn't.

So, anyway, you'll notice that there's a pattern here. What doesn't fool people, works towards annoying them. Perfect.

You'll also notice that this point is in line with the previous one I made.

    .
   /
  /
 /
.

(y = mx + c)

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. We were discussing the results of my analysis of different ways to fool people. Here's the list. It was getting huge so I removed a few points.

1. Tell everyone that you're pregnant

This one seems to be pretty straight-forward. Pretend to have a bulging stomach by inserting a small pillow or cushion near the tummy region. (Instead of a pillow, you could also use a dining table...for added effect.) Then blissfully give them the good news. Like so-

(The direct method)

You - "I'm pregnant!"

They - "Oh, that's wonderful!"

You might wanna consider the reason behind this being the best method. You see, people's brains are designed to process less stuff; take the obvious information and move on. Do not try to complicate things to the point that they have to pause for a brief moment and think about what you are saying. This will make them get suspicious and they'll start asking awkward questions. Like-

(The what-the-hell-did-you-just-say method)

You - "We're expecting a new member in the family!"

They - "Hey...where's the dining table?"

Expert tip - The most important thing to look out for is ensuring that you keep a straight face when saying the entire thing, so as to seem as convincing as possible. Try it in front of a mirror. And turn off the lights. It helps. Although sometimes, even this may not be enough, so be warned.

(Case in point? My attempt at the selfsame thing. I made sure I kept a straight face every time I said it, but hardly anyone seemed to believe me. I guess it must've been something to do with my voice. Or maybe the fact that I'm male.

Nahhh. Definitely the voice)

Like I said, I removed a few points as the list was getting really, really long. So...this is the end. Although there might be another incident worth sharing.

I'd gone to the post office, and it was really boring waiting in line for the rest of the customers to finish. So I decided- 'Let's do something interesting.' So, instead of taking a cab or a bus home, I decided to male mail myself home. But the problem was that I had to go in one package, whereas my underwear was made to go in another (heavy machinery or something it was called).

Now, I've reached home, but the other package hasn't. I'm guessing it had something to do with me exchanging the labels of my, uh, package with someone else's. It was a girl, for God's sake. Sheesh. In any case, I'll keep you posted on any updates in the future.

Alright, then. Am off to the super-market. Got a new couch to bye bai buy. (Hmm. I wonder where the dining table's at)