Saturday, January 22, 2011


As I mentioned in another post (link), when the world was still in nascency, a large galactic war was fought. But the war slowly subsided, and a sort of passive calm took over the inhabitants of the Universe (which, by the way, is supposedly the poem to read). So anyway, there was a limited set of options for those who wanted to de-stress in space. The first one was listening to music. And the second, drinking. So as you'd have deduced by now, concerts were the ideal place to hang out -- given that you could do both.

But on one fateful day, flush in the middle of a spacey groove, the robe of the singer got entangled in the microphone. He quickly tried to undo his mistake, but it was too late. He had done the unthinkable -- he gave birth to mic-robes. Tiny organisms that were virtually undetectable, and thus scampered away playfully. These microbes caused the great financial slump, causing many people to lose jobs in the process. Eventually all jobs were taken over by the microbes. They started being called staph members.

Due to the catastrophical outcome of that day, all concerts were banned indefinitely. So all the cool bacteria now had a new favorite place to hang out - the 'Space Bar'. It was a queer place in every sense of the word. (And I mean every sense. Oh, except that one) It attracted customers from far and wide and tall and deep. More pertinently, though, the world changed when a lonesome mushroom decided to venture into the sacred land of the bacteria. As he parked his spaceship (the NUM-3000, or Nitric Unaldehyde Moped) on the NUM-pad with utmost dexterity, he was met with disgruntled glares all around. He silently plodded his way towards a sign that said 'Enter', accompanied by an L-shaped arrow that pointed downwards and to the left.

So he took the elevator and went to the floor immediately below. As he took a right (his right is your left, stupid) he felt both awe-struck and let down at what he saw. The place was filled with some of the coolest celebrities (including Joe Bacteriani, lead guitarist and frontman of the band Yo!Gurt). And it was resplendent with neon lights and holographic displays. But something was missing -- Happiness.

Nah, she was actually sitting on the far right corner, with her husband Loch-ness.

So anyway, he proceeded to the bartender, and ordered a Buck RD. Through the corner of his eye, he noticed 3 bacteria sitting on the table, and began to get a little agitated. His concern could slimly be ascribed to the fact that bacteria were physically more intimidating than fungi. They approached him and decided to rough him up a bit, just for laughs.

(This is the conversation that ensued)

One of the bacteria - Hey, Twinkie. My name is Rod. And these are my friends Spiro and Ovi. (ref)

Him - Erm. Hi. My name is Mushy.

Rod - Mushy? What a wimpy name. Your mommy give that to you? (nudges Spiro and sniggers)

Mushy - (eyes cast down) Uh...

Spiro - Aww. Too bad. Mushy felt offended. You know what? I think he's a good guy. (in a mocking voice) Whooza gud mushy? Whooza gud mushy-wushy?

Rod - Hahahaha.

Ovi - (visibly upset) Oh, leave the poor boy alone. He didn't do anything to you.

Rod - Well, whaddaya know? Our little girl Ovi has a soft spot for the even more wittle Mushy-Wushy.

(Mushy to himself - Ovi is a chick?? )

Rod - Go on then..why don't you two run along and get married and make babies if you like each other so much. (winks)

Spiro - Yeah..and maybe you can play with your nanobots or something. Seeing as you are the fun-guy and what not. No, wait. That's Megatron for you, right? (high-fives Rod)

Rod - Hahahaha. Good one.

Ovi - Hmph. Fine. You know what? I will. [takes hold of Mushy's arm] Let's go, Mushy. And leave these two numbskulls to themselves.

Spiro - But we don't even have skulls! That just shows how stupid you are, dimwit!

(Rod and Spiro are seen laughing boisterously while Ovi and Mushy make their way towards the read end of the bar, nick-named the BackSpace. Mushy is dumbfounded, and is visibly deep in thought. But his thoughts can roughly be approximated to -- "Ovi is a chick??")

As the two got to know more about each other, they began to fall in love. But the place was much too hostile for a bacteria and a fungus to commingle. So they decided to leave for Earth. (coz its the only planet that's known to be capable of sustaining life, duh)

But it wasn't easy, as the other bacteria vehemently opposed this, and Mushy had the Herculean task of outrunning his pursuers.

Nope, he didn't.

He was in a spaceship, remember? So, technically, he had to outsail them. Ha.

Now, Mushy happened to be a genius. Prophetic, more like. For he knew that this day would come. And he quickly converted his moped into a submarine, which gave him more traction control.

(Why a submarine in space, you ask? It's simple. He had to gain speed. Which means he had to reduce drag. And how do you reduce drag? By sub-traction, of course. Do I have to explain everything??)

They soon managed to outfly outsail everyone, and after a long journey in the sub-space (Get it?), they managed to enter the Earth's atmosphere. As they quickly gained momentum (and weight), they could feel that the Force was getting stronger. (Force α Rate of change of momentum. Newton's Second Frickin' Law, man)

So they used the Force to control objects through Telekinesis. To ensure a safe landing, Mushy rotated the Earth a bit so as to correctly align the water bodies. (Due to some residual Force, the Earth is rotating till today). They splashed on the water surface, but continued to plunge until they reached the bottom. As they alighted upon the ocean floor, Ovi & Mushy became the first inhabitants of Earth. So they celebrated with a little bonfire, and they roasted marshmallows, too.

(Note - I'm getting tired of typing Ovi & Mushy all the time. So I'm just gonna shorten it to 'OM'. Oh btw, some people believe that OM was the first sound that resonated throughout the Universe during its inception. But now you know what it really stands for)

..and they lived happily ever after.

(Actually, they didn't. They were forced to travel Yeast East. What unforetold dangers awaited them there? Wait for the next post to find out. You know you want to...)

Update: Click here for the sequel.