Sunday, November 28, 2010

7 Tips For Success

Several people have been hounding me. And several hounds have been asking me for the secrets to my success. And I have finally decided to give in. To the dogs, that is. These are serious tips that you'll notice me using more often than not (more specifically, on all weekends of prime number leap years, barring 1982).

1) Don't Procrastinate

More on this a little later.

2) Lose Weight

Calculate your BMI using the following formula.

mass (lbs) x 4.88
And multiply the square-root of that number by 42. Then lose 19 kilos.

3) Clothes

Clothes have a major impact on your overall image. Dungarees are a strict no-no. Wear a suspender if you must. Wear bright colours. Especially black. It helps hide paan stains. And bird-shit. Also goes well with the orange shoes and the purple stilettos. And a denim jacket. Green. Accessorise with a choice of hot or shocking pink cellphone. Don a hat. But remember to take it off when travelling at the speed of light. (Link)

4) Pretend like you're Undercover

Speak in an undertone. And use phrases like 'Charlie', 'Watch your 6', whilst mumbling to yourself that your geiger count keeps fluctuating due to the weather. Try pressing some buttons on your watch and act disappointed when there is no response. Then make a call on your phone and describe the girl sitting next to you as if she works for Counter-Intelligence. (Personal note- Do NOT interchange the watch and the girl in the previous paragraph)

5) Show off your vocabulary

Some people think that a good vocabulary is the hallmark of a successful person. Take advantage by using words that have a French origin without knowing what it means. Like "I'd like a quiche, but a mélange would suffice for my protégé." Spice up with trite remarks like - "If you know what I mean" and "Get it? Get it?" and sit back and watch their faces look at you with awe. Then go on to say that au contraire, you hate all these clichés, just so that you can show off that little é with the diacritic again. Oh, you sauve little connoissuer, you.

6) Keep it concise

Do not go on and on and on and on rambling about something that you have no idea about without even bothering to put punctuation marks or to stop and think if you're making sense or simply rambling on and on and on going in circles without having points to corroborate your idea making you look like an utter idiot in the process because nobody likes people who talk a lot...and I mean a LOT. Now memorise the above line so that you can use it for those motivational speeches when you run out of juice just when you realise that you have scurvy --

OK speech: "Brevity is the art of talking less and saying more."
Good speech: "Er.."
Excellent speech: ""

8) Gain new perspective

Not everyone is equally fortunate. Learn to see the world through other people's eyes. But don't forget to return them after you're done with it. And try to walk in their shoes for a day. Sometimes there maybe a mismatch in size. In that case insist that they buy you a new pair.

9) Get a haircut

The other day I landed myself in some trouble when my Chemistry prof. noticed that I had an attendance shortage. It was a career-threatening moment, but it was also one that was safely averted thanks to a neat 'job given to me by my barber. Helpful to get you out of those sticky situations, if you know what I mean.

Prof: "I haven't seen you in class too often. You are very irregular"
Me: "No, sir. I just had a haircut"

See? Always works.


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. ha ha ha .... 8th tip was the best among your 7 tips for success :P ... i now have some hope of being successful