How To Win Arguments. With Math.

Ever wondered why nights feel longer than days?

Yeah, I know...you have. That was a rhetorical question. Like-- 'Can pigs fly?' Or... 'Am I straight?'

Don't answer that.

So anyways, I set out to use my vast mathematical prowess (which happens to be more than simple stuff like 6+3=4) to find the answer. And after a long and calculated journey, I was able to obtain the following proof--
 

The Balance of Nature (a.k.a. The LHS = RHS Method)

Possible values for 'Day' = Yesterday, Today, Sunday, Monday...Saturday
(Total of 9)

Possible values for 'Night' = Tonight, Last night
(Total of 2. And no, midnight does not count because it comes somewhere in between)

But in a week, the days and nights are equal.
So 9 days = 2 nights.

Which, evidently, brings us to the obvious conclusion-- that days are shorter than nights.

(Corollary: Nights are longer than days, for which I leave out the proof. Oh, by the way, it requires advanced imaginary calculus and operations on partial numbers, so you wouldn't understand it anyway)

But there was some part of me that was not convinced. No, not that one. I mean, if the ratio of night:day = 2:9 - then why should we pay taxes?

Seriously, any idiot could figure out that 2/9 is...umm...twice of whatever 1/9 is. But that is irrelevant. What I'm trying to say is-- if the government does use our tax money wisely, shouldn't they provide us with a free bottle of orange soda every time we make a call?

Hell yeah, they should..and I'm gonna explain to you why. It's because, uh, because..

...

You probably find yourself stuck in a similar situation often, don't you? Of course you do. Don't be silly. *Points gun* Yeah, thought so. Notice what went wrong in that argument? Yes, the taxes. Ok, maybe the orange soda, too. But mainly, the taxes. I mean, seriously?

Hmm..to put this stuff into better perspective, maybe we need to take a look at some of the subtle things that actually went right up until that point. In case you noticed, it was the clever use of math. But you didn't, did you? *Pokes gun hard* Thought so. The idea is to sprinkle it around lightly, not throw everything you've got.

If you're not good at debate, you can use this handy guide to help you out. What's that you say? You're terrible at math? Brilliant! Then this guide is just for you. But if you're good at math already, don't worry. You'll soon unlearn everything you've learnt since school in about 10 minutes. Actually, half of that. That's right, in 6 minutes. Let's get started.

Transitions (a.k.a. A>B and C>B, so A=C, right?)

Sometimes, the topic of discussion is so vague, that you can slightly change the subject without anyone realising what you're talking about. Works well when the target does not know much about the subject. Works even better when even you don't--

Me : "One of the most sublime works in literature, Don Quixote is a must-read"

X  : "Er, it's not pronounced 'Quick-sote'. It's pronounced 'Kee-ho-te'"

Me : "Dude, it doesn't matter. I typed it"

X  : "Oh, yeah. Sorry, my bad"

I don't know what I'm getting at here. But it's something cool.

The Discrete Maths Method (a.k.a 1+1=2, so Pizza must be from Thailand)

I really don't have much more to say about this right now.

The what-did-you-just-say method (a.k.a. e=mc^2*pi^3/1.000123y, depending on if x)
 

There are multiple ways to pull this one off. If you're one of those people who can remember long-ish words and spew them out at will, without consideration for what they mean, then this is for you--

Me :  "Even though this technology has harmful side effects, we have developed ways to reduce its impact by 9.3%"

X  : "So, that's like saying sorry after killing somebody"

Me : "Not at all. In fact, if you consider the fact that most cellular degeneration occurs at the lateral genome position, you'll realise that this is the inter-planar receptor facility provided for in the most clandestine of all olfactory inhibitions. 

 

So that's like saving a life and then saying thank you"

X  : "Oh, yeah. I didn't think of it that way"

You see, people have ego problems. They'd rather agree than admit that they didn't understand. But that didn't really sound too convincing. Plus, most people are put off by large clumps of text. So here's a better, more effective method-- use clichés. Loads and loads of them. Order/relevance do not matter at all--

X  : "I think my girlfriend is preventing me from concentrating on work"

Me : "Work smarter, not harder. Loneliness didn't a better writer make"

 

X  : "But then it will look like I'm slacking off"

Me : "Many a brave soul hath fought the same battle, and lost. You wouldn't want to be the boy who cried wolf, would you?"

 

X  : "Oh, no no. Of course not. I don't know what I was thinking"

Side Switches (a.k.a  x>y, but p looks cute, so y>x)

Ok, so this one requires a bit of practice. The idea is to put forth your ideas in pairs. This way, if one of them turns out to be wrong, you can either try to hold on to the other, or, better still, turn the debate on its head, and quickly switch over to the winning side. Like so--

Me : "Hmm, so I heard that they're planning to split us up into clubs based on our interests. There's about fifty to choose from. I'm torn between Cookie Monsters and the Purple Puppies"

X : "Why the hell would you want to go into any of those groups? Do you really wanna be a part of something like Cookie Monsters?"

Me : "Umm, no..but do you really wanna be a part of Purple Puppies? That's so retarded"

 

X  : "Jeez, hell no. Of course not. Cookie Monsters it is, bro"

You could also try a more direct approach-- by attacking a modified version of your opponent's argument. As long as it bears even the slightest of resemblance to the original, your work is done. Consider--

X : "There's this new ice-cream place across the block, you should really try their butterscotch flavour"

 

Me : "Do you know that some ice-creams contain egg? Must be really satisfying for you to feast upon helpless little unborn kids, huh? You monster!"

 

X : "Omg, I'm so sorry. I vow never to eat ice-cream again" (*shudders/sobs*)

 

Me : *Ting* "Ah, looks like my omelette is ready in the oven"

If that doesn't work out, there's another tool you can use -- Guns Pathos. Attempting to persuade through the power of emotion. If done correctly, you can play with the target's emotions at will. But be warned-- this is actually quite deceptive. You may be tempted to use it every single time, but don't fall into that trap. People can have feelings, just like you. Emotions are not something meant to be played with. How would you like it if someone did that to you?

Nah, I'm just bullshitting. You can use it whenever you please. Almost gotcha, though, didn't I? Haha. Sucker. 

 

Now share this with a dozen people in the next hour, or you will die. That's right, 15 different people.

 

You don't believe that? Well, let's just say that I have a gun. And you don't. Do the math.

The Dark Night

Sorry for the hiatus. Was a li'l busy giving away autographed copies of my best-seller *still* looking for my underwear. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I managed to misplace them in a freak accident. All my attempts at locating them were pretty much futile until two days ago. But ever since then, some really strange things seem to be happening.

It all began on a dark and stormy night (apparently nights can be bright, too). Clouds floated ominously. Thunder crackled thunderously. And normally, it would be accompanied by lightning, but on this particular night, it was not free. (Plus, it was a dark and stormy night, remember? Jeez.)

There was something very eerie about the night. I was trying to read a book but the creepiness of the atmosphere had an unsettling effect. Suddenly, the sound of wood creaking pierced the hallway. I quickly turned to look back. The door was now ajar.

"That's strange," I thought, "how did the door become a jar?"

My contemplations were interrupted shortly by what seemed to be a shadowy figure standing in the pathway leading up to my house. Barely visible against the moonlit lawn, I strained my eyes to get a closer look. Before I could discern what it was, the doorbell rang.

I slowly approached the door, and my fingers trembled as I turned the knob that controlled the volume of my music player.

Then, I opened the door by unlatching it.

It took my eyes a few moments to take in what I saw.

I was in the kitchen now. I quickly realised that this was the wrong door, and proceeded to open the front door. There was someone standing on the porch. It was me. There was also someone standing about a foot away from where I stood. I beckoned her to come in.

So what happened was that some chick had randomly come over. She was holding my hand in her package. She was holding her package in my hand. She was holding my package in her hand. She seemed vaguely familiar, and yet, I didn't seem to know her at all.

I was like, "Do I know you?"

And she was like, Penelope Cruz. More like Scarlett Johansson, maybe. But I digress.

She said, "Maybe this will ring a bell." And then she pressed a button on the wall which did, indeed, ring the bell. She then handed me the package, and re-united me with my long lost inner-wear.

I was so overjoyed by this development that I felt I should make it up to her for taking the trouble to come all the way in the rain just for this. I offered to prepare some tea, but she preferred a hot cup of coffee. I said that it wouldn't possible as all my cups were made of ceramic. I'm not funny. I know.

Moving on, she was really curious when she saw my music player and began fiddling with the controls a bit. We ended up making small-talk largely pertaining to music, among other things.

Turns out she's a pretty talented Carnatic singer. Now, I had no clue what that meant, so I did what any normal person would do-- I asked.

"Hmm, so is that like a thing that you do in the car?"

"What? No, it's a form in Indian classical music."

"Oh, like the whole tribal rain dance thing?"

"No, you dumbass. Indian as in people from India, the country."

"Oh, so it's like country music then?"

"Umm, it's more like folk"

"Fork? Oh that reminds me, those cookies you're eating are poopsicle flavored. And no, that's not a spelling mistake."

She spat a mouthful of coffee on my face, and left.

I have no clue why.

Hoping to figure it out, I tried looking up stuff about music in general on the Internet. As I was surfing through Wikipedia, I was shocked to realise that although music speaks to people, it's not always telling the truth. More specifically, not all sarangis are honest--

 A lying sarangi

I know, I was devastated, too. As I delved deeper into the depths of the paedo 'pedia, I realised that a lot of things in the world aren't what they seem.

For example, inflammable is flammable.

A craps table is not a place where you can defecate. (Now they tell me)

And a blackjacking is *definitely* not what you think it is.

Wow...who knew?

How to Lose Friends and Annoy People

(Disclaimer- This may be my worst post till date. But I figured that after reading this, all other posts will seem like gems, so I'm leaving it as it is :D)

(Disclaimer 2- Mutual fund investments are subject to market risks. Please read the offer document carefully before investing)

(Disclaimer 3- The author does not know what the word 'disclaimer' means)

April Fool's. Hmm. Quite frankly, I've never really understood the concept. So this time around, I decided that to investigate what all the fuss was about. Turns out, it's not as easy as pulling off a prank on someone you know. It requires planning, timing, as well as factoring in unforeseen elements.

It was depressing to see how everyone wanted to try it but no one seemed to know how. So I thought I'll post the results of my analysis, as well as add in a few handy tips which you can use for best results, so that others don't get to know that you're a moron.

You're welcome.

Now, before all of you storm to torch my house with your pitchforks and knives, let me tell you that I'm not late. In fact, I'm writing this post about 11 months in advance. Ha.

(*Breaks into hysterical sobs*)

Ok, I'll admit it. I'm about a month overdue. But that's only because I've had a pretty stressful thirty days. My girlfriend dumped me. I burnt the noodles. In the fridge. And now even my dog hates me. I'm a loser. I'm going to die a very slow and painful death.

...Ram said to Shyam.

Now that one sucks. In fact, it's not even a prank. [But is a useful way to annoy people nonetheless- Just append 'Ram said to Shyam' at the end of any statement]. So that's tip #1 for you. Don't try clichés. Ever. And don't think that you can tell a joke and pass it off as prank. It doesn't qualify. You can try dirty jokes, though, *if* the occasion seems appropriate (and only if you really have to). But remember, no clichés.

(If you don't like dirty jokes, skip the next line)

A white horse fell into the mud.

.

See the point I made right there? No, the other one. Yeah, good.

Getting back, what did happen, though, was that my dog pee'd on the couch, and my girlfriend chewed up her leash. Or maybe it was the other way around. I forget.

Anyway, it was a long story, so I'm not going to narrate the entire thing, but I will point out that it involved a sandwich, 6 beers, 2 girls 1 cup, 17 gloves and lip balm. (And that's when the aliens started shooting and we used our plasma torches and all that blah but you wouldn't want to hear about the boring stuff, so I edited it out. You're welcome. Again)

When I tried to tell this story with a few 'fabricated' facts to a few friends with the intention of fooling them, I realised that it greatly vexed them to listen to it in its entirety. Almost to the point where I had to untie their hands and feet before I could finish telling the story. But I didn't.

So, anyway, you'll notice that there's a pattern here. What doesn't fool people, works towards annoying them. Perfect.

You'll also notice that this point is in line with the previous one I made.

    .
   /
  /
 /
.

(y = mx + c)

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. We were discussing the results of my analysis of different ways to fool people. Here's the list. It was getting huge so I removed a few points.

1. Tell everyone that you're pregnant

This one seems to be pretty straight-forward. Pretend to have a bulging stomach by inserting a small pillow or cushion near the tummy region. (Instead of a pillow, you could also use a dining table...for added effect.) Then blissfully give them the good news. Like so-

(The direct method)

You - "I'm pregnant!"

They - "Oh, that's wonderful!"

You might wanna consider the reason behind this being the best method. You see, people's brains are designed to process less stuff; take the obvious information and move on. Do not try to complicate things to the point that they have to pause for a brief moment and think about what you are saying. This will make them get suspicious and they'll start asking awkward questions. Like-

(The what-the-hell-did-you-just-say method)

You - "We're expecting a new member in the family!"

They - "Hey...where's the dining table?"

Expert tip - The most important thing to look out for is ensuring that you keep a straight face when saying the entire thing, so as to seem as convincing as possible. Try it in front of a mirror. And turn off the lights. It helps. Although sometimes, even this may not be enough, so be warned.

(Case in point? My attempt at the selfsame thing. I made sure I kept a straight face every time I said it, but hardly anyone seemed to believe me. I guess it must've been something to do with my voice. Or maybe the fact that I'm male.

Nahhh. Definitely the voice)

Like I said, I removed a few points as the list was getting really, really long. So...this is the end. Although there might be another incident worth sharing.

I'd gone to the post office, and it was really boring waiting in line for the rest of the customers to finish. So I decided- 'Let's do something interesting.' So, instead of taking a cab or a bus home, I decided to male mail myself home. But the problem was that I had to go in one package, whereas my underwear was made to go in another (heavy machinery or something it was called).

Now, I've reached home, but the other package hasn't. I'm guessing it had something to do with me exchanging the labels of my, uh, package with someone else's. It was a girl, for God's sake. Sheesh. In any case, I'll keep you posted on any updates in the future.

Alright, then. Am off to the super-market. Got a new couch to bye bai buy. (Hmm. I wonder where the dining table's at)